VOICE OF GLOBAL UMMAH

VOICE OF GLOBAL UMMAH
Volume 191, July 10, 2011
St. Louis, Missouri, USA

Editors: Mohamed & Rashida Ziauddin

In the Name of Allah, the Most Beneficent and the Most Merciful

EDITORIAL:

In this issue, we have initially focused on the positives including highlighting aspects of Islam being against terrorism, followed by discussion on issues of interfaith relations, health et.c. In as much as global ummah is diverse, our topics are also diverse and our fundamental belief is that since ISLAM IS A WAY OF LIFE, the life in question truly incorporates the various aspects of day to day living. Not surprisingly, our E-Zines generally cover a wide range of issues including politics, social justice issues, physical and psychiatric health, gender issues along with articles reflecting some sense of humor et.c .

PART I:

POSITIVE NEWS:

PART Ia

RUSSIA

MUSLIMS MOST COMMITTED TO MORAL NORMS:
(www.interfaith-religion.com)
July 4, 2011
(condensed version)

Muslims demonstrate the highest rating of commitment to moral norms if compared to followers of other religions.

Thus, the number of Islam believers (in Russia) with low, middle and high moral status is 17%, 41%, 42% correspondingly. In Orthodoxy - 30%, 39%, 31%, among believers of other religions 46%, 23%, 31%, among atheists - 32%, 43%, 25%.

Such a conclusion was made by authors of the Russian Sociological Research Twenty years of reforms through Russians' eyes held by the Sociological Institute of the Russian Academy of Sciences in all country's territorial and economical districts, in Moscow and St. Petersburg among 1750 respondents aged 18 and older.

PART Ib:

UNITED STATES

CHURCHES ACROSS AMERICA READ FROM THE QURAN

by Tad Stahnke

(via. Islamophobia-Today)

Washington, DC

Although negative stories of Islamophobia in the United States abound in news media, most Americans respect religious diversity. That’s why on Sunday, June 26, thousands of people across America joined together at dozens of churches and other houses of worship across the country.

Congregants united to do far more than read Christian scriptures; from Alabama to Alaska, from California to New York, worshipers also heard the words of Jewish and Muslim sacred texts as rabbis and imams joined pastors in leading an event called Faith Shared.

A joint project of Human Rights First and the Interfaith Alliance, Faith Shared brought Americans together to counter the anti-Muslim bigotry and negative stereotypes that have erupted throughout the country in the past few years and led to misconceptions, distrust and, in some cases, even violence.

If I were living in a Muslim-majority country, I might think the United States is filled with people burning the Quran, demonizing Islamic beliefs and tarring all Muslims as supporters of radicalism and terrorism. To the casual observer, the anti-Islam fervor of late would seem to bear that out, but the truth is far more complicated.

It is true that in recent years the United States has seen a disturbing trend of anti-Muslim violence, discrimination and rhetoric, as well as a general lack of understanding about Islam. We’ve seen Quran burnings, individuals attacked only because they are Muslim, a pipe bomb explosion at an Islamic community center in Florida and a surge in reported cases of discrimination against Muslims in workplaces and schools throughout the country. But those incidents – all of which have grabbed headlines – don’t represent the views of so many Americans who respect religious freedom and the diversity of faiths that freedom brings.

In fact, a recent poll by the Public Religion Research Institute found that more than 60 percent of Americans believe that Muslims are an important part of the American religious community, with strong agreement across political and religious lines.

The Southern Poverty Law Center recently released a report showing that much of the hatred directed toward Muslims has been stirred up by a small but influential group of activists and media.

Discussions about the role of Islam and Muslims in American life have all too often degenerated into stereotypes and hatred. If not challenged, these can undermine respect for the religious freedom of all Americans and weaken our resilience as a nation.

As we continue in this effort, my colleagues and I are not naive about the challenges that can divide America along religious lines. Muslims are not alone among Americans in terms of bearing the brunt of stereotypes and hatred. Indeed, with the Faith Shared services, we sent and will continue to send a clear message: Despite the challenges, the way forward must begin with respect.

We cannot solve these problems in a day but on June 26, Americans across the country showed that we respect religious differences and reject the demonization of any religion. Americans are a nation not of the few who burn Qurans and incite hatred, but of the many who fully embrace religious freedom, tolerance and pluralism.

* Tad Stahnke is the Director of Policy and Programs at Human Rights First. This originally published by the Common Ground News Service, or CGNews.

PART Ic:

GERMANY

MUSLIMS CALL FOR IMAMS IN THE GERMAN MILITARY:
(www.thelocal.de)
July 13th, 2011

Muslim leaders have slammed the lack of an Islamic spiritual counsellor in the German armed forces in spite of the fact that an estimated 1,200 Muslims serve in the Bundeswehr.

Two of the main umbrella groups representing Germany's estimated 4.3 million Muslims said in remarks published Wednesday that such a move would be a good step forward for integration.

“That would have a great significance for integration,” the chairman of the Central Council of Muslims in Germany, Aiman Mazyek, told the online news portal, News.de.

While Protestants and Catholics have about 90 priests each providing spiritual support to soldiers, there is no Muslim imam or counsellor, even though there are about 1,200 Muslims serving in the Bundeswehr, according to website.

The chairman of the Islamic Council for the Federal Republic of Germany, Ali Kizilkaya, echoed the call, saying: “If the good will is there, it is uncomplicated.”

He added that such a move would be “a bid for integration.”

PART I-d

CANADA:

(ED NOTE:

Some may wonder why we put below article of Hindu protest under positive news. The answer is simple, it is positive news because the Muslim students plan for prayers would continue despite below mentioned opposition. That reflects the determination and commitment to follow up on a positive act of Islamic worship despite facing hurdles. Certain non-Muslims fail to understand that the Friday prayers is an important part of a WAY OF LIFE for a Muslim. We believe that a practicing Muslim student is in fact less likely to be involved in alcohol, drugs, sexually permissive behavior, get pregnant outside wedlock and subsequently drop out of school (female students), bullying, stealing and other anti-social acts. Doing prayer is just an extension of his or her Islamic way of life and in essence is spiritual refueling to sustain and continue good moral behavior. To those oppositional forces, we ask do you want the student to stop their spiritual refueling that may then adversely impact their sustenance of above positive qualities ? Further we would like to know in quotes the specific text in the Hindu scriptures that FORBIDS Hindus to eat "halal meat".)

CANADA:

Hindus Protest Muslim Prayers At Public School
By Tom Godfrey
www.torontosun.com
July 4, 2011

School Valley Park Middle School on Overlea Blvd., the site of a controversial Muslim prayer service.
(VERONICA HENRI/Toronto Sun)

TORONTO
Hindus from across Toronto plan to protest outside a North York middle school until a controversial Friday prayer session for 400 Muslim students is stopped.

The Canadian Hindu Advocacy is one of a number of Toronto-area groups who are opposed to the 30- to 40-minute services that occurred in the cafeteria of Valley Park Middle School on Overlea Blvd. from November to March.

An imam from a local mosque is brought to school to head the service, officials said. During the service male students are made to sit in front of the girls.

“This is alarming and unacceptable,” said Advocacy director Ron Banerjee. “We respect the separation of church and state.”

He said his group will be sending letters of protest to the Toronto District School Board in the next few days and calling for an end of the noon-time services. That will be followed by protests in November, when the services resume, if the prayers are to continue next school year.

“Our organization has received many complaints from Hindu students and parents in the Valley Park Middle School region,” Banerjee said.

“We would also like to discuss the serving of halal meat within TDSB schools,” he said. “Our organization is determined to ensure all Hindu students are provided non-halal meat alternatives.”

Malcolm Buchanan, of Civil Rights in Public Education, said he has no problems with the Muslim prayer service as long as it doesn’t take place while classes are in session.

“Schools are for learning and not religious ideology,” said Buchanan. “We have no problems as long as it doesn’t take place during school time or the kids are not forced to take part.”

TDSB officials said on Monday the prayer sessions have been taking place for three years and are designed to help with the safety of students, who do not have to leave school to attend mosque.

The officials said the prayer sessions are working well and they haven’t been approached about making changes.

PART Ie:

SWITZERLAND

Basel: Proposal for Muslim Old-Age Home

06 Jul 2011

via TdG (French)

The Basel-City canton is considering opening an old-age home for Muslims. Philippe Waibel, head of health services in the canton wrote in the Basler-Zeitung that the canton needs to see what services will be needed in the future, and that multicultural services don't just start with old-age homes.

In February, two socialist deputies of Turkish origin suggested opening such homes. Gülsen Oeztürk explained that until now the canton had neglected to consider how to care for first generation immigrants.

Swiss old-age homes currently have very few Muslims. This is because the immigrants are still young, but also because traditionally the families care for the elderly. Former spokesperson for the Geneva mosque, Hafid Ouardiri, cares for his 94 year old mother with his brother. She still lives at home.

However, the director of the Inter-Knowing Foundation says that an old-age home for Muslims is a good idea, provided that the place is also open to other faiths, since some people have no choice and can't rely on their families.

Switzerland has old-age homes for other religions, such as Jews or Seventh-Day Adventists.

PART-If

ISLAM AGAINST TERRORISM

(ED NOTE:

We wanted to share below article by Br. Hassan Shibly which is an excellent article highlighting the point that Islam is essentially against terrorism).

THERE IS NO ROOM FOR TERRORISM IN ISLAM
www.2.tbo.com
July 7, 2011
Hassan Shibly

Hassan Shibly is Tampa Executive Director of CAIR Florida.

There are two groups promoting the concept that Islam is tolerant of terrorism. The first is those wishing to hijack Islam for their political purposes and have distorted and misquoted religious text to justify their abhorrent actions. The second are those who wish to spread fear and hatred of Muslims to suit their political or economic agendas, and similarly distort and misquote religious text to claim that Islam condones such abhorrent actions.

However, mainstream traditional Muslims are and always have been very vocal in condemning both such extremist groups.

There is no room for terrorism in Islam. One does not need a religious text to know such acts are reprehensible; nonetheless, the Islamic tradition is clear that there is no room for terrorism. The prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) expressly forbade aggression and the killing of women and children and unarmed men in combat.

Maulana Abdul Shakoor writes in his book, "A Brief Account of the Prophet's Life":

"Physical Jihad is permissible only for the persecuted and as a defense against tyranny. In other words, Jihad is another name for defense of independence. To look upon the battles of the time of the Holy Prophet (peace be upon him) as not conditioned by self-defense and self-preservation is not only un-Islamic but also ignorance."

Even when defending against persecution, the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) gave the commands, "Do not be embittered. Do not be treacherous. Do not mutilate. Do not kill children or those in covenants."

And it is also testified to by the Prophet's companion and third caliphate of Islam, who said in authentic traditions, "The Holy Prophet has forbidden the killing of women and children."

Likewise, the Prophet Muhammad's chief commander and first caliphate, Abu Bakr, ordered:

"Do not betray or be treacherous or vindictive. Do not mutilate. Do not kill the children, the aged or the woman. Do not cut or burn trees. Don't slay a sheep, a cow, or a camel, except for food. ."

Islamic law even forbade the destruction of nature, not to mention absolutely the taking of any innocent human life. The Quran holds all human life so sacred, irrespective of race or religion, that it says:

"If anyone killed a person — unless it was for murder or for spreading mischief in the land — it would be as if he killed the whole people," Quran 5:32

It is thus undoubtedly clear that there is absolutely no room for terrorism in Islam. In response to those who wish to justify terrorism based on their political grievances, the Quran very clearly says:

"…let not the hatred of some people [due to them having once oppressed you] lead you to transgression (and hostility on your part). Help ye one another in righteousness and piety, but help ye not one another in sin and aggression." 5:2

Even where the Quran permits self-defense, it clearly forbids aggression and injustice:

"Fight in the cause of God those who fight you, but do not transgress limits; for God loveth not transgressors." 2:190.

It breaks my heart to hear that people commit such disgusting acts in the name of religion. Those who murder unarmed men, women and children anger God and His Messenger.

Religion and humanity have no room for such evil destruction. While political grievances may explain what nourishes terrorism, terrorism is never justifiable and never an answer. Both those who twist Islamic text to justify such abhorrent actions and those who twist Islamic text to claim Islam supports such abhorrent actions are hijacking my faith.

The bloodshed must be stopped.

PART-Ig

MUSLIM WOMEN IN SPORTS

Women Rising - Kulsoom Abdullah - Muslim American Weightlifter

VOA (Voice of America) Middleeast
July 8, 2011

PART II:

INTERFAITH RELATIONS

(ED NOTE:

Allah clearly states in the Holy Quran that "Mankind is but one Community". If Islam really stands for PEACE, then Muslims must show by their actions in terms of working towards PEACE. Part of such process involves working with people of other faiths to strengthen INTERFAITH RELATIONS. People of all faiths should work together to keep the dangerous extremists of all faiths at bay. We must unitedly fight their hate with LOVE as our first line of response).

Muslim-Jewish Parley Seeks ‘Platform for Dialogue’
By JEREMY SHARON
(Jerusalem Post)

Posted by Emperor
05 Jul 2011

Muslims and Jews don’t know much about one another due to distrust, fear, and anger stemming from the Israel-Palestine conflict.

The second annual Muslim- Jewish Conference kicked off in Kiev, Ukraine, on Sunday, with 70 students and young professionals coming from around the world to promote mutual understanding between global Jewish and Muslim communities.

The event is sponsored by the Foundation for Ethnic Understanding based in New York and the Ukrainian Jewish Committee, among others, with participants coming from Austria, Canada, Egypt, France, Germany, India, Israel, Lebanon, Nigeria, Pakistan, Poland, Saudi Arabia and the United States.

“Most young Jews and Muslims never really meet because of the situation, and only learn about each other from their respective communities and through the media,” Muslim- Jewish Conference Secretary- General Ilja Sichrovsky told The Jerusalem Post on Sunday.

“The conference is designed to be a platform for dialogue between Muslims and Jews to talk to each other instead of about each other,” Sichrovsky said.

Ayse Cindilkaya, vice secretary- general of the organization, said the political conflict can “overshadow” relations between the two communities but that they are not focusing on conflicts.

“We are trying to start from new but we are sensitive to the conflicts,” Cindilkaya said.

“Instead we are focusing on breaking down stereotypes, sharing our religious traditions and culture, and filling in the gaps on our mutual knowledge of each others faith.

One of the major issues that the conference is addressing is the increasing xenophobia and the rise of far-right groups in Europe.

“We are careful not to equate Islamophobia and anti-Semitism,” Sichrovsky said, “although there are commonalities.

The impact often feels subjectively the same and we are trying to find a strategy where young Jews and Muslims come together and stand up for each other.”

“The conference offers the opportunity to bring together some of the most outstanding Muslim and Jewish leaders in their 20s and 30s,” said president and chairman of the FFEU, Rabbi Marc Schneier.

PART III:

HEALTH

(ED NOTE:
A growing number of new Muslim immigrant mothers with newborns mistakenly have come to believe that as part of ASSIMILATION in their new western country of residence, they must switch from breast feeding to providing formula food. We encourage them to reconsider such belief not because of what our opinion is but because of overwhelming scientific facts substantiating the superiority of breast milk over formula food for the new born. Below is an article highlighting the benefits of breast milk).

BENEFITS OF BREAST MILK
(news@thelocal.de)
Sabine Devins
July 8th, 2011

The Local's series Motherhood in the Fatherland follows new mum Sabine Devins as she navigates the cultural quirks of having a baby in Germany.

In the latest instalment, she discovers a secret weapon for her parenting arsenal: mother's milk.

One recent morning, Luisa woke up, bright and early. Grin on her mouth but snot plastered every where else. Babies get sick. Babies get colds. Babies get runny noses and I happen to have just the thing to clear that up: Breast milk.

When I was pregnant, I was given all sorts of tea-related advice on cures for my common pregnancy ailments. Fennel tea for digestion. Chamomile tea for leg cramps. A specially blended pregnancy tea for general well being. For babies, the Germans rely on good old fashioned Muttermilch.

Yes, to cure all that ails that tiny tummy (and other mini body parts), mum's boobs have the answer.

To say that nursing is encouraged here in the Fatherland would be an understatement.

Even the makers of formula acknowledge on their packaging that, “Breastfeeding is the best way to feed your baby.”

There is even the government-funded German National Breastfeeding Institute (Nationale Stillkommission) whose responsibility is to ensure that all mothers have the facts and resources they need to successfully breastfeed.

But in Germany I have learned that breast milk cures more than just baby hunger. Six months in, I wouldn’t be surprised if I were told my chest contained the proverbial fountain of youth.

As Luisa went through her first growth spurt, she went through her first gas pains. Not to worry, my midwife said, and told me to offer her the breast. As the milk goes through her system, it would literally push the gas out the other end. Breastfeeding also relieves me of worrying about Luisa’s, ahem, “output”. As long as she was solely breastfed, anything was normal and I wasn’t to worry about it.

At four weeks, Luisa came down with a case of baby acne. I wasn’t about to swab her face with Clearasil, but I was concerned about this pile of bumps appearing on her smooth cheeks. What does my midwife recommend? Simply use Muttermilch as a cream and dab it on the worst spots as often as I liked. I’m not actually sure if it was the breast milk, but the acne cleared up within a week.

Breast milk also has healing properties. “Toe-curling pain,” was what one friend warned me to expect during the first 10 days of baby latching on to very sensitive spots to nurse. And as my nipples cracked, my toes curled.

But as we left the hospital, a doctor had reminded me that breast milk was an excellent nipple cream and “it’s safe for baby too,” she said with a smile.

Canadian Sara Read even discovered that breast milk could help with a stubborn umbilical chord. “My midwife told me to apply breast milk to Annika’s umbilical chord stub to help it come off,” she said, adding that she was sceptical at first.

“I only did it half-heartedly and when it wasn’t gone after a couple weeks, my midwife grabbed my boob, squeezed out some milk onto a q-tip, applied it to the umbilical stub and — pop! — within a matter of seconds she had worked it off with the milk-soaked swab.”

English mum Rachel Fox was told breast milk would help clear up her eldest child’s gooey eye.

“He had a sticky eye infection and [the midwife] had us squirting breast milk directly into his poorly eye," she told me. "I was quite shocked initially, but it did the trick. A few days later the infection was gone. Not a chemist in sight!”

Not just eyes, but ear infections can also be cured with a good squirt of the white stuff. In fact, breast milk is a great substitute for antibiotic ointment. Cuts and scrapes heal much faster with a little bit of Muttermilch applied to them. And when a baby’s sensitive bum goes red, there is no need to reach for creams with all sorts of chemicals; just rub on some breast milk, allow to air dry and carry on.

Adults with scrapes, cuts, burns, dry skin, acne and cold sores can also benefit from the application of breast milk. Allegedly warts, insect bites, chicken pox and eczema too.

But back to Luisa’s runny nose. I’ve used my Muttermilch many times to clear up her little nose. While it’s effective, there is one problem: The application. I’ll leave you to think about the mechanics.

"The World Health Organization (WHO) and the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) emphasize the value of breastfeeding for mothers as well as children. Both recommend exclusive breastfeeding for the first six months of life and then supplemented breastfeeding for at least one year and up to two years or more."

PART IV:

EXPLOITATION OF WOMEN

(ED NOTE:
There is a reason why Allah mentioned specific statements regarding dress covering of the body for females in the Holy Quran. A practicing Muslim female would easily be free from problems faced by women as described in below article and also be free of problems in a multitude of other ways that are sexual in nature. Having said the above, we strongly believe that nobody has the right to force a adult Muslim female to dress in a particular way and we strongly support her choice to dress the way she feels most appropriate. Those females who prefer to wear niqab or hijab, they are most welcome and we wholeheartedly support their choice. At the same time, those Muslim females who may have other preferences, we still fully support their right to exercise their choice. The freedom to exercise one's personal choice in one's personal life is a human right issue and surpasses any religious, political, national or cultural dictates. In any case, why should we violate Almighty Allah's command in the Holy Quran: "Religion is NOT a compulsion").

Facebook Trade in Female Images

Kara Irving
www.smh.com.au
May 18, 2011

Contradictions of the online world allow solitary men to participate in illicit group activities without expecting consequences.

Images of scantily clad women are being widely circulated without their knowledge through a private "men's only" Facebook group, reigniting the debate for stricter privacy laws for social media in Australia.

Since its inception two weeks ago, "The Brocial Network" has attracted more than 8000 members, including at least four players from a Melbourne-based AFL club.

The site features hundreds of images of women in bikinis and lingerie, obtained from the personal Facebook photo albums of the members' female friends.

Tillii, a 21-year-old student who is pictured in a bikini with her friends, wasn't aware that her photo had been circulated via the page.

"It makes me feel sick that people would go to the effort of taking [uploading] the picture and posting it up," she said. "I just thought [the picture] would be taken as fun, not as the way that they've turned it around."

Tillii has since been inundated with random "friend" requests from men she doesn't know.

Jade, 21, was shocked that images of her and her friends on holiday were circulated on the site without her consent.

"I'm a little bit angry, to be honest. If it was one of my friends who has copied a photo of me to put on a public website and not let me know then I'd feel extremely betrayed," she said.

"I think it's just perverted and disgusting and wrong … it's wrong that they can take photos of innocent women who have no idea that these photos are being used on a public site where men can just go [look at] whenever they like," she said.

Group creator "King Brocial" advises members via "The Brocial Code" to trawl friends' social media sites for salacious images. The Brocial Code is a list of rules that must be adhered to in order to retain membership and access to the page.

One rule directs members to upload images of girls which "reveal a little too much". Members are removed from the group if they fail to post images within a week of being added.

Once images are uploaded, members (known as "Bros") post the women's names and links on the site which allows King Brocial's subjects to access the personal Facebook pages of any of the women on the site.

Earlier this week, membership to the group was frozen temporarily by the creator because men were attempting to add female friends to the group. Another of the Brocial Code rules is that "the girls that know about this site are kept to a minimum" and that there "shouldn't be any [female members] in the first place".

University of Melbourne public policy lecturer Dr Lauren Rosewarne said: "Any website that has images of women posted, asking men to rate them, is revolting. There's no excuse."

King Brocial is cashing in on the site's popularity by selling $5 "I'm a Bro" wristbands on the Facebook page.

Several images have been reported as inappropriate to Facebook, prompting the creator to ask members to remove the images from the page to "reduce the amount of attention [they're] receiving" from Facebook administrators.

The level of account privacy on Facebook is at the user's discretion. According to the privacy statement listed on Facebook, users can actively change the level of privacy on the content they upload to the social networking site.

There are no privacy laws governing the sharing of private images through social media websites such as Facebook and Twitter.

Australian Privacy Foundation vice-chairman Dan Svantesson said no crime had been committed.

"Few people understand how weak privacy protection is from a legal perspective in Australia," he said. "We haven't seen the long-term consequences of people placing so much personal information on things like Facebook. It's still quite a new phenomenon."

Dr Rosewarne said people should be wary of their privacy settings on social media sites. "There needs to be more education, more media literacy around what privacy actually means online," she said.

Tillii said she would be wary in future of the types of images she shares with friends online. "I'd be a lot more hesitant in putting anything up," she said.

Jade agreed: "I just hope it's shut down and something is done about it so it's not done again.

PART V

(ED NOTE:

Thanks to Dr. Lewis who forwarded below e-mails pertaining to "Famous Last Words -Comments made in the year 1955 and the South African airline KULULA. How true of the famous last words that were made by ordinary people in 1955 is true today).

FAMOUS LAST WORDS

Comments made in the year 1955!

‘I’ll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it’s going to be impossible to buy a week’s groceries for $10.00.

‘It’s too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.‘

SOUTH AFRICAN AIRLINE KULULA

Kulula is a low-cost South-African airline that doesn't take itself too seriously. Check out their new livery! And have a read about their Customer Relations.

WHAT A PITY KULULA DOESN'T FLY INTERNATIONALLY - WE SHOULD SUPPORT THEM IF ONLY FOR THEIR HUMOUR - SO TYPICALLY SOUTH AFRICAN.

Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg. Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

---o0o---

On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

---o0o---

On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

----o0o---

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

----o0o---

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

---o0o---

"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

---o0o---

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo, a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

---o0o---

From a Kulula employee: "Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

---o0o---

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."

---o0o---

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."

----o0o---

"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

---o0o---

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

---o0o---

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

---o0o—

Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

---o0o—

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

---o0o—

Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

---o0o—

After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

---o0o—

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."